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what if your ex is getting married? what kind of feeling you will have? i have this ex of mine is getting marry this November. At one point when i knew it, it didn't strike me that much and also the impact wasn't that hard. But as the month is coming closer, the feelings is starting to kicked in. She is like something that wouldn't contact me for months, then out of the blue she will call or sms me to ask me out. But never once she will call me out alone.
However, she will ask me to fetch her out. I do not mind doing so, but each and every time i also felt weird aura from her. She will bring some junkies that i used to like to eat ( whereby when we were together, she always buy for me to eat) she will give me once she's inside my car. Then she will have the wide smile towards me which she gave me the feelings that she was so delighted to see me. Then we will find our friends ( which both of us know and used to hang out with ) to have a drink or two and can spend like hours talking. And she will never once said want or wish to go home first. In fact, i'm the one that request to go home.
When driving her home, she's also giving some feelings whereby she doesn't want to go home so fast. But when once she steps out of my car, everything seems to resume back to normal. She won't call me, she will not sms me and we will lost in touch for few more months. I wonder why this is happening? She is getting marry, she bought a condo with the husband to be, she will have the life she always dream of. But how come she still wants to linger around me? I mean yes, as a friend i do not mind. But how come every time hanging out with her, i felt that she is giving me fake hope or am i thinking too much? Frankly, i don't really wish to attend her wedding because i know on that day, my feelings and emotion will be fucked up. But if i don't go also another issue. Because she was hoping for me to go.
So, What if the wedding will be cut off suddenly, what if she comes and find me? What if she still have feelings for me? What if is the question...
This is what she said, so she rather me to hate her. I'm not depressed being with her. I'm only disappointed sometimes that she can't understand me and i cannot make her understand me at all.
She rather leave me than rather stay with me and get through this. It all started when i raised my voice and bla bla bla .. and now everything is gone.
I don't blog much nowadays as i'm out of words and i seriously do not know what else more that i can do because i think i do not know how to love.
Asking a small favor from someone you love to pamper a bit when you're not in a good mood, the person can say that she doesn't know how to. Really speechless if that's the case.
it is so aimless ..... i tried my very best to put everything into places, but eventually it doesn't fit ... when i force it to be... i tried to fit in, but maybe there's a barrier between people and me... i'm not trying to make myself sound pityful.. but it's just weird... i dun fit in everywhere... no matter how i tried.. maybe i'm just pathetic in a way... and.. perhaps keeping it like this will be much better...i've no idea... and i dun want to think...
sitting inside my room just make me feel safe and i don't want to leave....
i thought that i've said all about myself to her.. but for all you know, there's some little secrets left inside the closet.. i wonder.... can i actually can take it /accept it??
i often say to myself.. this would be the last.. this and that.. but the more i think about it... it's getting my mind confuse.. cos' i know somehow... things will turn out sour.. its just the matter of time...
i'm not giving up... but still there's so much emotions is dragging me down... forcing me to let go... no matter how hard i try not to....
i really hope that i can find an answer for this or else... there's nothing much i can do besides letting go....
19th Feb-20th Feb 2010.
She came to find me in my working place. It is because I'm staying at one of my ex-colleague's house reason cos' I've no transportation to work. In the evening everything was just fine, until we were reading my blog and mich's blog about characteristic thingy. I read hers, and then i just randomly go bitch around to see my ex's characteristic only. Then i told her that she and my ex fall into the same category. Then she was like jokingly say " oh, why you go read your ex's birthday one? why ar?" It was just a simple random thing. Nothing popped up in my mind towards my ex. Then after that, things started to change, she's like not in the mood. I tried to talk to her but she's acting cool, i tried to pujuk her,she said she's okay. Then i got into moody mode,(cause of not sleeping straight for like 17 hours) I wanted to spend happy times with her, not just sitting there and you do your things i do mine.
Later on, things seems to be cool off abit. We got talk but still i felt something is weird, almost 12, paid bill and head to the car. Again i ask her what is wrong, she said nothing.Then we head back to my company to take my ciggies that i left while waiting for my ex-coll to off work. While we were inside the car, she acting very strangely, i tried to give her a kiss, she avoided. Then i drove the car outside, and i asked her what is wrong? she said nothing again. My heart doesn't feel nice at all, then i told her, that i wanted to spend quality time with her before my ex-coll reach my company. then she just kept quiet. then i kept quiet, then i can't stand not talking with each other i just walk out from the car. I need to cool down. Not long, my ex-coll reached. We head back to her house and then she asked me how to go out from here, directed her and ask her what is wrong? then she said AGAIN NOTHING. i asked her no goodbye kiss? then I felt that she's forcing herself to give me one.
Nevermind, after settling down things, i go take my bath and then i call her.(she said she will call me, but she didn't) again i said sorry if i've done something wrong to make her angry or whatsoever. As i expected, She mentioned nothing is wrong just that she's having headache. Fine. I talk to her half way then she keep on asking me to go sleep this and that, Fine i follow her words. I hang up the call and went to my coll's room and chat with her a while. Then, i saw her online. She changed her FB statement mentioning that she had some thinking to do, I jab her in msn asking what is wrong, AND AGAIN SHE ANSWERED NOTHING,and ask me go to sleep. FINE, i offline and just tucked myself to sleep. received an sms from her saying that she had some thinking to do. I replied, we did promised each other that we will talk bout everything, and this time she's hiding what is she thinking. i told her no matter what, i'll be there for her. She replied, its okie, something that i have to think it by myself. nite nite. that's it!
I just don't understand. There's no need to think that much. First she said she got second thoughts of our relationship, now she's saying that she got thinking to do and she don't want to tell what is the problem to me. What am i to her anyways? Why everytime i'm the one that get all the questions without answers type of thing.
She told me before, within 3-6 months, she will start to change. Maybe she's changing. What can i do? I'll just have to bear with her. Its heartbreak seeing her treating me like this. it's like she's pushing me away..I don't know how long i can stand, i don't want us to angry or being upset towards each other because of what? i also don't know! Reasons??
I know i love her alot. But i just don't know how to tell her or convince her on this? maybe i'm not good enough for her. I knew it's too good to be true.
