Thursday, July 20, 2017

Fast forward to 2017

I was figuring out for good 15 minutes what was my blog link, and it suddenly strikes me it was an emo title. How funny. To come to think back about the title you gave for your title of your blog. Sounds silly. Oh well, younger me wasn't that mature anyways, even now too. 

I was with K earlier, for a smoke break and waiting for Z to bring lunch pack for her. So we were talking about life and such and we went into the topic about camping coming Aug. She asked me to check on the flight schedule. I told her I am not quite sure if the company needs me to be back to PHL for the next on boarding. Anyways, K and the gang was planning to camp and celebrate my birthday. And there leads to another topic, so we were chatting about our previous birthdays together and how we celebrate. I admit that we are getting older, and tend to forget things. It is weird where I can only remember vaguely on my previous birhtdays until back to 2014. Whatever happens before 2014, i really cannot remember much.

Is it true that people tend to forget things? I am not like that. I do remember most things. Especially when it comes to memories. Or did I choose to remember selective memories instead? I realized that as times goes by, as I grow older, all I really want is to live life. And not work for life. I work for money, not for career. I want to be free of debt, but it seems like kinda impossible at times. Recently, I got my performance review and it has been done, I am looking forward for something else in job role. I hope my boss can allow this to happen as I do not want to stuck in one position again for another 5 years with no movement. I want to pursuit my happiness by doing something I like.

Memories are so precious at times. I believe i choose to remember things I wanted to. Because when I recall the incident that M gave me last 5 years ago, seems to be so fresh in my mind. I felt that it seems like yesterday when it happened. Which btw, M appeared again and disappear again. As how she left me past 5 years go. Sigh.

Right now, it seems nothing is more important than family, friends and MONEY. Yes MONEY. Call me realistic, but without money, you are not going anywhere. Here's the fun-fact, I jotting all these down because I realized that my tendency of remembering things are getting worst. Losing quite a bit of memories. Some are precious, some are meant to be forgotten.

All I wish for right now, is a clearer path for my current position and have it lock down so that everything will work well by then. Hopefully.

Until then, so far 2017 is treating me well enough. Please keep it coming. I need to move on.



Thursday, August 13, 2015

The Last Conversation

6th August
Was the last time we spent together until almost midnight
The night that I wished that never comes to end
I remembered clearly that we did had fun and also looking forward to see each other again
I know I am happy to see you.
Two months, I have been waiting for you to come back from Canada, counting down the days until August.
I miss you very much but i am also not allow to say it out loud.
It is not an healthy relationship to begin with. but we never made it as official , we are just too comfortable being together
Sure you have your own life and so do I , that is why I never question about your current life not anything at all

It is selfish , yes I know , to ask more than what we are now . But hey, human are selfish being. We only want the best for ourselves
Apparently I don't really know how to handle women
Why you may ask ?
Simple, my mindset : If you are not my legit one, however we are having a fling or whatsoever, BY RIGHT , you should not have any rights to question who I hang out with , or which girl showing any affections to me and VICE VERSA
Women's mindset : REGARDLESS LEGIT OR NOT , FLING OR NOT, when you are paying 100% attention to her, indirectly you are already hers. Be it if she is EVEN not yours. She just want you for herself and not anyone.
One word  : SELFISH

This girl who I dearly care for actually means alot. She gave me smile all the time. She kept me going even I know there's no end for us. I am just happy with her company. She was the only sole person for now that actually can bring my frown flip upside down
You may think she might not know my real feelings? No you're wrong , she knows it too well actually. BOTH of us do.

So when this another girl's appearance , came into the picture , everything was OK for her. Well maybe she has already feeling the sense of jealousy but not showing or telling me directly 
She was taking it nicely . Maybe she thinks that the other girl's coming into the picture will not actually take away much attention from me, plus the girl is from another country anyways.

So long story cut short, this girl is coming down to KL to celebrate birthday to me. OK , this might sound something different to EVERY SINGLE PERSON I asked, however , the girl really treats me like a good friend, and she is like what ? 25 years old ? She is more like a twin younger sister to me. She is mature in her age but at time she is just as witty as me, we clicked no doubt about that. So yea, and plus where you can find such good friend that just flying over to celebrate with you ? Well that is because she knew my 2 best friends are not in town , on my birthday , she just want to be there to celebrate my big 30. Now here's the thing, I would have imagine that , I will celebrate with you instead. But seriously , do I really need to like plan or schedule my own birthday with you ? Aren't you suppose to be the one that plan and let me know what's your plan for my birthday ? Whether you want to celebrate with me pre-during-post ? Correct? Because before you come back from Canada, you did not mention any plans, so does the Girl from Overseas. SO my own backup plan was, just find a nice short local getaway and celebrate myself. Sounds pityful to you that is reading this, but it sound just fine, to me

6th was the last day I saw her , and 11th was the last time I've chatted with her. Everything has been wiped out. Well technically nothing to be wiped out but yea, some memorable and sweet memories we had together. Disclaimer : I do not hate her, I just don't think I can actually befriends with her anymore.  But that does not mean I don't care about her anymore. I will just have to sayang her from afar. That is the least I can do for her now.


I do miss you Bee . Really.




Wednesday, April 22, 2015

When does this end ?

How long it has been ?

A year plus I guess.

I am not the person that really like to play with people's feeling

Why when I really like you, 

And you are the one decide to tuck me away ?

This is not happening 

I treat you good , however , I do not need you to spend a single penny on me 

I just need you to notice that I am real for you

You want to play yes? OK, don't come questioning me when I stop caring , showing my affection to you as I will one day forget about you

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Enough

When was the last time you said "enough" to yourself?

Have you ever wonder about that? I honestly feel like being used too much.

When you really want to be nice to everyone, then only you found out which actually everyone is not as nice as they seems

To all of you , it may sound normal, but to me, I really feel like I cannot accept the term of "friends with benefits"

What is this term actually ? I had always thought that this term is for your friends to take advantage of your kindness , taking advantage of you as in keep asking you to fetch them around, treat them dinner etc etc la

Little that i know , there is another term for that "friends with benefits" and apparently this is happening everyday. Surprisingly , I will say I am quite surprise to know the fact that people , MAN OR WOMEN, besides the normal "friends with benefits" term, that is also involves SEX! Mind you , this is extremely disturbing (to me) I cannot have sex with one person without feelings. 

No matter , it is a fling, and infatuation or whatever you can name it, you still have feelings towards that one person before you move into the bed .

So, now, I am not being a hypocrite here. My main reason writing this blog is to blur out what is on my mind. As I mentioned, if I like that person , then yes, that is of course I would love to spend time with that person , and of course hoping the person feel the same

I can do fling, but not for long, because I know myself and my heart. It will grow towards that person. 

Plus an additional point, I felt that I was not exposed to this kind of people around me, and I still find it amazeball~ lol.. But honestly, I do not think I am up for it. I might play along for a while, then I will definitely stop it when it is time.

Please , if you are a genuine nice person, please be nice to others and please do not play with people's heart and mind

From the start, I never disclaim I am a nice person, nor a good girlfriend. I am still playful as always, still roaming my heart to everyone. 

But enough is enough. I do not want to have friends like that around me. 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Y.O.U

Dear YOU,

I miss you dearly, there is nothing much i can say anymore. You were once a beacon to me. Now the light is slowly fading away. I felt that you are slowly moving away from me.

Do YOU know how hurt it can be? I will tell you. It hurts more than got burn or a car wreck, I could feel my heart actually aching and beating so fast until I need to calm down myself to back off from what is aching me so hard, then come to realized it was YOU.

I know that YOU wouldn't know much, as you think I hurt you , yes I did. But I never meant to hurt you, honest from the bottom of my heart. Now I have no longer have you by my side, come to think of it, I deserve it. I felt like i have disappointed you so much , until I do not feel i have any privilege to seek permission to ask for you to forgive me and come back to me.

I had always dreamt about a vision of being with you, how we build our own relationship,how we start our own family , how we buy a house together and spend time at home, cleaning, sitting at the car porch , smoking, watching tv together or just simply hugging each other to sleep over the weekend. Just not doing anything.

When you cried, I tried to stop you from crying, I tried to make you feel better, but little that I know you are suffering when I was with you. I am the cause of your tears. I just realized that , and it took me that long to realized it. So in another way, I wished I could be the person that make you smile, the person that made you laugh and giggles upon small silly things i did, the person that you can feel loved by, I tried, but I failed.

I do not know what will happen in the future, but what I do know now , is my heart stops the moment you left me, the moment when you asked me to "Take it that way" I knew that is the moment you already do not wish to come back or patch back

I felt the whole world crushed on me , I felt like I do not want to continue anything. Everything just stops.

Dear YOU,

You did not realized how much you have changed me, but who am I to confront you about this.
No matter how many times I try to open my mouth to convince, words just not coming out. I cannot make out one sentence to make you feel secure again with me. I am truly sorry.

p/s : Please don't forget about me, about us.. I would only wish I could turn back the time




Sunday, September 30, 2012

Complicated Stage


This is a story from a story i have read somewhere.
Imagine this, you are a person which have alot of love to give out. Also, you are such a lucky bitch to have so many people to give their love to you as well. So, here comes another person, jumps into your life again. This time around, this person is way elder than you can imagine. 11 years gap. The chemistry between you two is amazing. Nothing like mother daughter feeling. However it will not feel that way as well, she could be your sister, like what you have with your siblings. When that person is around your age now, you are only in high school doing some stupid high school girls would do. Never gone through your mind you would have such feelings.

Anyways, so this person is married , with 4 kids, does not sleep with the husband anymore. She was titled as a "Trophy Wife." So , you get to know her from those standard social network nowadays, its so easy to know a person, but meeting up is likewise. Had a few chat, sounded like flirty and such. Then as normal exchanging numbers is of course. Then that continue with text messages and exchanging calls. The feelings is right and wrong at the same time. Most complicated part is , She is with a Girl at the same time. Complicated enough?

You guys did some text messages, and things were fine, until she told you up regarding about her relationship with her girlfriend is falling apart as well. So what now? What was she thinking? As a normal person, comforting a sad person is normal. But indeed, you feel like she's old enough to know what is she doing, so you will just make assumption which she just need a friend to talk to, so you just comfort her without feeling anything else. But as days goes by, little that you know, your feelings towards her is changing from a stranger to someone you call friend. From a friend, it changed and became someone like you feel important, regardless she have a girlfriend or husband.

One day, you guys were texting and you jokingly said feel like having ice cream. And surprisingly she said,"let's go!" You were stunned for a while , but you went out anyway, the meet up was awkward. Because she asked you to park your car somewhere , and she will be fetching you from there. In your mind, was thinking alot of bullshit "what if this person is a serial killer , or a man -slaughter, i will be a dead meat going into her car? Or for all you know, she is not SHE , is HE!?" You took precaution though, you parked your car somewhere there's people, and stayed inside your car. Out of sudden, a huge MPV approached and stopped behind your car, and you received a text, " I'm behind you." Your mind is running all sorts of crazy stuff like being abducted and murdered, but you still picked up your guts and came out from your car and open her MPV front door. To your surprise, it was really a woman, small size and very beautiful indeed. She smiled at you, you instantly melt. Your heart and mind had an ease, it was alright. So headed up and went into a drive through McD and ordered ice cream, she ordered two ice cream. Meeting up with her seriously gave you the awkward moment. You thought will be hanging out at McD instead of going through the drive through. So after picking up your ice cream, ended up having the ice cream in the car. Had chit chats about her girls and the husband and most of the time is talking about her girlfriend. She loves her girlfriend a lot. So you wouldn't think that much. It was more like a friend. After some couple of hours, there comes those cops doing rounding. So she suggested we move on to somewhere, and you guys ended up at a 24 hours cafe, and continue chat. She was looking at you directly into your soul, and believe it or not, she's like know how to describe a person by judging their face features. She straight away can tell you what type of person are you. You were amazed how true it was. The conversation lasted until 3AM, you are getting tired, and mentioned needed to head off,so she fetch you back to your car, you said goodbye to her, but she keep on asking " is that all?" you just nodded and got down the car. Moment you went into the car, you were thinking, what does she means by that?

So , from the the scenario, what is your next step?

P/S:  This story is just a make up story, an scenario... which pops up in my mind. Does not apply to reality..  I guess I watch too many dramas. And would like to become a script writer for a Complicated Stage. haha! Let your mind do the rest of the story.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

what if

what if your ex is getting married? what kind of feeling you will have? i have this ex of mine is getting marry this November. At one point when i knew it, it didn't strike me that much and also the impact wasn't that hard. But as the month is coming closer, the feelings is starting to kicked in. She is like something that wouldn't contact me for months, then out of the blue she will call or sms me to ask me out. But never once she will call me out alone. 
However, she will ask me to fetch her out. I do not mind doing so, but each and every time i also felt weird aura from her. She will bring some junkies that i used to like to eat ( whereby when we were together, she always buy for me to eat) she will give me once she's inside my car. Then she will have the wide smile towards me which she gave me the feelings that she was so delighted to see me. Then we will find our friends ( which both of us know and used to hang out with ) to have a drink or two and can spend like hours talking. And she will never once said want or wish to go home first. In fact, i'm the one that request to go home.
When driving her home, she's also giving some feelings whereby she doesn't want to go home so fast. But when once she steps out of my car, everything seems to resume back to normal. She won't call me, she will not sms me and we will lost in touch for few more months. I wonder why this is happening? She is getting marry, she bought a condo with the husband to be, she will have the life she always dream of. But how come she still wants to linger around me? I mean yes, as a friend i do not mind. But how come every time hanging out with her, i felt that she is giving me fake hope or am i thinking too much? Frankly, i don't really wish to attend her wedding because i know on that day, my feelings and emotion will be fucked up. But if i don't go also another issue. Because she was hoping for me to go.
So, What if  the wedding will be cut off suddenly, what if she comes and find me? What if she still have feelings for me? What if is the question...