what are you thinking???

it's been one week you entered my company. okay , here's the thing..

Day 01

Me : working night shift.
You : first day report to work, in the afternoon. you sms-ed me telling me you finally here. keep on saying your desk there is very cold as the air-con was directly on top of you.
Me : end up came to work at 4pm , purpose, to see you, truth, and to give you my jacket.
You : suprised to see me and happy to see me.
Me : same thing. =]

Day 02

Me : working night again.
You : this time you called me everytime you break,lunch time u sms-ed me. Non-stop. asked me to come early to work.
Me : again i came to work around 6.
Us : head to makan at station one.. your treat.. haha

Day 03

Me : Off day
You : sms-ed me again
Me : replied your sms
You : off work around 6pm, then i called you to ask how is things, you mentioned that you're having dinner with your boyfriend, and you told me after heading home you want to find me. i said why, you answered just because you wanna see me. i agreed since you said you come to my house.
Us : ate dinner together, and unfortunately, you said you need to go home precisely 10.45pm. and then he called exactly that time.
Me : i felt that you like taking up the time with me as your boyfriend went to gym. dissapointed

Day 04

Me : Off day, but will have dinner with chevron's colleague together with my team lead
You : sms-ed me as usual, again.
Me : Came to office, fetch lita and joanne to seri kembangan for McD and met Karl and Hazarul in Mcd and also Shirley.
You : no respond after work, until around 8 something u sms-ed me saying that i never replied your sms (that is because my phone was barred)
Me : after dinner, evelyn called me and asked me to accompany her to drink, after Mcd session sent lita and joanne home, i top up my prepaid number and called you, but in the same time evelyn called my postpaid number, asked you to hold on, while i chat with evelyn on the other phone, then i accidently hanged up your call.
You : didn't call back.
Me : after talking with evelyn, decided to go second round with her.called you back, and you didn't picked up.
You : called me back after you saw my missed calls. then you were not in a very good tone with me
Me : asked u why ? you said i hang up your call because to talk with evelyn, and you angry of me because of this. sigh..

Day 05

You : sms me saying that you will go out with shirley they all to seri kembangan for lunch
Shirley : sms me also to tell me the same thing
Me : replied both you guys okie.. go ahead
You : kept on sms-ing me.
Me : same
You : sms-ed me when you reached home.
Me : called you around 6 something, you were sleeping
You : sms me back at 7 something, apologizing to me that you were asleep and didn't chat with me.
Me : replied it was okay.
You : kept on sms-ing me while you're having a gathering with your ex-colleagues. and you mention to me asking me to go breakfast with you tomorrow morning after my work
Me : same, reply your sms
You : until around 12 something, you called me, and said "suprise!! i call you to chat with you."
Me : really suprised why you do so.. that is SO not you.
You : your voice sounds very very tired,but refuse to hang up the call
Me : begged you to go sleep.
You : repeat, tomorrow breakfast with me okay?
Me : agreed..

So what the hell is going on again!?!
the story is more complicated that i thought.this is only the part of it.

window shopping

wah.. these two days are really tiring... went out for two straight days! shopping.. me and Mich went to shopping on friday and then on sat went to shop again... but window shopping with "her" wasn't that nice.. i went to shop with her and i chosed alot of clothes for her... and jeans too.. sigh i fail again... too bad..but i manage to see eve after shopping.. "she" didn't want to accompany me to see eve i dunno why.. but at last she followed me to meet her though.. hahaa.... well... i'm happy to see eve... hehhee.... thursday nite went to aloha.. OMg.. seriously, first time i kissed eve on the lips... it was weird but ... i was damn shy... the next day and coming days.. i think i have to forget wat happen that day.. geez!

fact

fact is i don't understand why friends can betray you in a snap of a finger. just like that! it's like they treat you good when they want to and when they know someone else, they ignore you. this happens to me with one of my good friend. all the while, my character is, where i treat each and every friend with all my heart. i don't mind their background, what past they had and such.

how we got to know each other? well in short, her ex and my ex eventually got together and that's how we met.we're like brothers, family.but recently,when i broke up with my recent ex, my ex kept in touch with my friend, and that time my friend do have a gf which went to Switzerland for studies. then after a month or so, her gf from Switzerland called me, and ask me is her gf attach with my current ex, then i said i don't know and i ask her why she said so, then she told me that my friend called her up and ask for a break up and the excuse my friend gave her is that she does not have extra time for her, everytime busy with her studies and activities in school. Sounds abit irrational rite? then they broke up as the gf also having the time of her life in overseas.

then, my friend started to distance me. why i say so? cause last time our relationship can go up to the level where she called me up everyday and chat with me, i know it's because of her gf is not in town, so she needs a companion. we meet up times to times either she head down to cheras or i head to kepong to find her for drinks and chit chat. then for the past month, she rarely called, nor sms. when i sms her, she didn't reply, call her sometimes, she will said she is busy.

until recently, her ex from Switz,(actually me and her ex also can consider as friends,cause we used to hang out together) called me up middle of the night and ask me, "you know S and S are together?" i was in a blurrish situation, so i said why you said like that? then she told me that my ex load pics in facebook with my friend where they went to sarawak trip together(where my ex is a sarawakian) then i was stonned a while. i was totally awake that time, i said to my Switz friend, i seriously don't know whether they're together or not, but if they're, i don't mind though as both parties are singles. deep down i feel abit uneasy. that is of course no matter you love that person much or less, still you will feel disturb when your ex close with your friend esp close one, no?

So the summary is, i don't know whether my friend ignores me cause she is, THE FACT she is involved with my ex, or my ex bad mouthing me, or my ex brain-washed her, to distance me. it really breaks my heart to see a friend treating me like this where i lost another friend. i hate the fact that friends argue and hated each other. this only happens to those friends that i get to know outside from school. as for my high school friends, there's only one person that betrays me and we sorta argued and since then, we did not talk to each other. i really miss the time when everything is used to be, but what had past, let it be past. there's nothing much me or you can do unless friends really think that the friendship is worth to last,which i think it should be,but i've tried and she's the one that distance me, i've already done my part and now is her time to do her part correct? let's just wait.

you're coming in?

why on earth you're coming in btw.??
meaning if you come in, then i need to face you all the time?
i don't think i can handle it though...
sorry ... if you come in.. then i'll leave...

i suddenly miss her

out of sudden, i miss thian thian..very much..

why u did that?

i tried so hard not to contact you anymore... yet today you contacted me and told me you're nearby my office.. i was suprised and happy but when i came to know that it was your boyfriend that brought you to cyberjaya is to just see where his office located and even so gentleman to show you where my office as well.. so gentleman of him. then you ask me out for drink, TOGETHER WITH UR BOYFRIEND? come on, i got one experience b4 when we came back from our langkawi trip he drove you and you INSIST me to tag along! u know how bad does it feels? i bet you don't understand at all how the feeling is though. sighh

Please...if you're happy with your life now.. please don't drag me along with your boyfriend there with you .. as you want the whole world to know that you're one happy woman. Everyone knows that, but doesn't mean everyone (me) want to face the reality. hearing and seeing is TWO different things.. i can hear news how happy you are, i will feel happy, but seeing, sorry,been there and it hurts like hell and i don't want to see again.

good luck to you my love.. enjoy your life!

a girl with attitude

let me tell you a story about this girl. She has a cute smile with attracting eyes, she's not that tall(shorter than me a lil) and a bit chubby. i met her in Thai Club. she was a friend of a friend's friend. understand? =.=

anyways, i forgot how i got her number, but i guess i got her msn first then only i got her number. and coincidently that day was on 24th oct 2009. the day i went to langkawi, so anyways, after trip i got like whole damn week off, and i seriously do not know where to go. i checked my phone book, until then only i realized that there's no one to call out for movies or anything. Kinda pathetic huh? oh well, out of sudden only i realized this girl's number.so i decided to sms her. As i aspected, she replied! So on and on we sms-ed each other until 2 something in the morning, then she suddenly did not reply me already so i thought that maybe she's asleep, and in the morning, when i was sleeping i received her sms, and i was right she was dozed-off. haha. Anyways, i wanted to watch jennifer's body at that time when my ex, told me ..no ..PROMISED me that she will watch this movie with me, but she did not. So, i asked this girl whether she wants to catch a movie together and she replied me YES again. Hence, i did ask her for dinner as well, as she off work and then i will meet her at her house. Again coincidently, she's staying directly behind of my current ex's house that condominium. I was seriously shocked!

This couldn't be that coincident right? anyways, fetch her from her house, there.. that is the first time i see her, with normal lighting, not like in Thai Club with beer and tipsy condition rite? I admit, She is kinda good looking.(meaning in Thai Club, i wasn't tipsy enough) so we head to Kim Gary in Sunway grab our dinner and went for the movie.

That day was fun outing with her, she's cute, though she's younger than me one year.. but i felt good and frankly speaking i do have some good impression on her but i did not tell her that. I do not want to freaked her out. Anyways, after that, we did not meet each other up, but we do keep in touch with sms-ing each other. It's nice knowing this girl.. What's her name? EVE.

trip which i never thought that could hurt me inside out

Oct 24th to 26th..

i spent my first and last vacation with her for the one last time. And i never thought that the trip and our relationship will perrished like that. I do not know what exactly you were thinking previously before you met Simon, you came back into my life after you broke up with Patrick. And things starts up from there. We hang out, we went for movies, dinners, stayed over night at each other place. Everything seems to be just like last time.

After that, one wednesday you said want to come over my house to have home dinner with me, you asked me to buy things and go home and cook for you. I was happy cos' it feels like our relationship there's hope. I cooked for you, and we ate dinner together. It feels like couple sweetheart.. serious. You even helped me folded my clothes which i dump into a bag for like three months. A normal friend would not do these kinda activities with someone unless he/she is your partner..correct me if i'm wrong.

Worst part, is ... we even...i'm not those that can have One Night Stand and leave the scene directly. Don't tell me you are. That particular night you over night at my home, i've asked you a question. " do you still love me?"you answered me "yes" and also u answered me with a "but". i know what is your "but" about. it is because i'm not a MALE and i cannot bring any future.. and you cannot live a life of a lesbian. simple as that right? It puzzles me, you love someone and that person loves you back, it really doesn't matter same gender or the other way round. You love that person as in that person himself/herself. Isn't love conquers all? Sorry i don't know how to put my feelings into words. I feel lost at one moment when you said that you love me but there's a barrier there that makes u unable to love me continously and even be with me.

Then just so i thought that our relationship can have a second chance, you got to know SIMON a.k.a LUCAS whatver his name is. He is your sister's friend. How he get to know you is, we all went for movie together as we got free tickets and that is how he got to know you. From there, he started dating you out, and you agreed. What is the meaning of this? Can you please tell me. Even you go out with him, in the same time you still treat me the same,until SIMON told you that he is interested on you, you started to neglect me. Why? I'm not a part timer, I'm not also paid to be with you when you're lonely or sad. I'm there with you all the time it's because i love you and i want to be the person beside you that can take care of you, to love you. You're the only one person that i really hardly forget. You even asked me to plan for a holiday. And i did, and i did told you that i will cover for you cause you said you wish to go trip with me. And i did ask u who wants to follow instead? You're the one that said you only wants us both to go to the trip. Again, you got me puzzle again for a moment there. I did not think much as i know, i wish after the trip i will give you the ring that i've bought so long time ago before we broke up. The couple ring actually is for our first anniversary, but before we can even reach our anniversary, you mention that you want to break up with me. I kept the ring for so long, when you were with Patrick, I never thought that i will give it to you, but when you broke up with Patrick, you sorta came back to my life. And i thought maybe there's chance, and i saw the chance when you said that you want to go to trip with me alone..But.... the fact is... you've already dating with Simon and you did not even have the nerve to tell it to me.There i am, still bringing such high hope to get back with you, all along the trip you were sms-ing Simon. He called like ten times or even more in half day. SMS never stop. Remember the night before we go to the trip? I sms you asking whether you still on for the trip or not? And you said yes. I called you later on and ask clearly the question "do you want to go to langkawi? or do you want to go to langkawi with me?

You said you want to go to langkawi WITH me. I took your answer. And i took all my negative thoughts away as i really wish to have a beautiful trip with u. And i thought to myself, after this trip i will ask you to get back with me and hand you the ring. Speaking of the ring, you did ask me where is the ring that i bought for you.. few times already.. each and every time i answered you that the time is not here yet. when i finally found the perfect time, everything was banished and i'm at square one AGAIN.

On the very first night in langkawi, we argued cause of what? Simon calls you even late night already. I really pissed off totally. I did ask you again who am i to you? you know how to cry only. and i need to give the answer for you which i'm just the person that causes you unable to go front nor head back. When i heard this, i felt like you're lying.You like Simon already, and that was really fast. Few times outing together and you like him already. Seriously i really dunno what m i going to do anymore, Patrick divorced his wife just to be with you, and that day you told me that you don't know what to do when you heard him saying like that. And AGAIN, you cried cause he said something very touching and causes you cry. Why you can cry easily? Why your emotions are so easily touched? Every word i say to you was really deep down my heart, each word comes out from my mouth to you never been faken before. I never lie to you. All i do is for you.

Now you're happily with... Simon? Patrick? others? I really don't know. I can never read you anymore. You've changed alot baby, you're no longer the gal that i once knew before, or maybe you never let me have the chance to know the "real" you as what you are now.

Thian,

No doubt bout how i feel for you. You're always the queen of my heart, my baby, my girl, my partner, my love of my life. No doubt that whenever you need me i will be there for you. This is a promise from a person like me give to you. I will never interfere any of your love life. I will only be the shadow that will always follows you and give you all my support and love that you need.

Truth Will Never Lie.

truth never lies,

it has been three times already,

we felt the same thing don't we?

we feel our love... don't we?

my dear, please don't play with my feelings,

as you know that my feelings towards you never dies,

please tell me that i have another chance,

because i know that somehow we're still misses each other,

i never lied to you about what i feel about you,

and i soon hope that you won't too.

i love you.

BMMB customer sucks!

i got fucked up nicely for like fucking 29 minutes from this fucking customer regarding BMMB bank.. saying this is a shitty bank how come my atm card cannot be read, tried multiple atm machines still unable to read.

i kindly told this fucked up customer that it could be his chip got problem.. then he continue to bombat me 99 on the phone like it is my fault that causes his card unable to read. scolding me like hell. then he stupid until wants me to send this recorded conversation and send to BMMB bank big boss about this. (i was thinking in my heart, are u idiot or stupid calling a helpdesk to send to the big boss for this small matter) such an idiotic.

in the end, he bombat finish, i told him if u wan me to lodge a report regarding this issue, i need his particular.and guess wat? he bom bat me again saying he won't give me his particular not that i can help him solved his problem now! OMG..!!! that time i really feel like wanna kill this idiot... but i still keep myself calm and polite.too bad i din not get his informations.. if not i would have someone hired to kill that mother fucker!!!!!!!

planning for next year...

planning ....

on may, switzerland... visit elcey... with sting

on aug... australia... visit salmon fish..

mission... save money..

won't spend on bullshit things as clubbing drinking ... even ciggies also need to cut...!!

wish me luck! cos i really wish to go there!

beautiful story of lies

beautiful story of lies, which sounds like this...

she was alone,

she thought that she was left alone,

until "she" came into her picture,

it was fast, REAL fast,

she thought was love,

a second chance for love,

but she did held back, once a while,

she did not pull the string too hard,

nor let it too loose,

when the time comes,

"she" asked her to become a part of "her" life,

in that second, she thought,

"why not give myself a chance?"

so she gave herself a chance and to "her" as well,

but deep down her heart, there's a little fire left burning for someone,

the flame is so weak, yet it's still flaming,

for that particular woman in her life.

lately, the woman came into her picture as well,

nothing much, but they do have little sparks,

both of them knew it but did not mentioned it out,

she wanted to have her back into her life so badly,

yet, she still have "her" in her life,

so, at one point, she knew that she can't get the woman of her dreams,

the woman that kept the burning flame alive till now,

she decided to stop.. lying to "her"..

stopped lying to herself,

stopped lying to the woman of her life.

and she stopped everything.

she loved the woman so badly till ...

she rather keep all the unhappy and dreadful feelings,

to herself..

but in the other hand,

she stopped making "her" suffer by letting "her" go..

and she knew that "she" hurts very badly which might not ever,

have a chance to be friends,

cause she knew she lied too much to "her"..

beautiful story of lies,

wonders how a story would end without lies?

dilemma

when you love someone very deep and there's someone that loves you very deep.. which would you choose? your answers?

disgusted feelings...

i hate this feeling,

the feeling of thinking about you too much,

and feeling that someday miracle will happen,

total bullshit!

end..

p/s : happy birthday to myself.

birthday present for her... although it's DIY

all DIY just for her... i hope she likes it.. cos i see those panda is soooo damn cute!! can't imagine it would turned out so darn cute!!!! hehehe

happy ... sad... happy then sad back.....

i don't know what is wrong with me, i'm suppose to be happy for her but instead of that, i'm seriously shit not happy at all. on saturday, T said that go for breakfast then she said she scare she might not wake up in time. so she said on sunday morning

okie,so suddenly michelle jab me ..asking wanna dim sum together not.. so i said okie lor..then i reached there that mich haven't arrive yet.. she took the wrong road and need to make a huge U turn to reach the destination.i found a spot and sat down, and i smsed T mentioning good morning bla bla bla to her ..saying i got company to eat breakie.

after not long, mich arrived with her stylo self.. ahems!!

we sat down and started makan! yumyum...!! hehe..then we chit chat bout T n S stuffs... then out of sudden my phone rang... T called... i answered the call then ask her why call me.. she said she need to wake up already that time if i'm not mistaken it was only 8 - 9 something.(cos she was suppose to work in UM for dunno wat exibition) then she said wanna take bath i ask "ehh,why so early lar...still long way to go ma.." then she said "now take bath la, if not no time go eat breakfast!!" i was like stoned a while, it's so obvious that she wanted to have breakfast with us.. i also don't know why.

she eventually came.. then after breakfast, me and mich head back to home. in the evening, called her.. she said later go out sing K with friends...at nite she sms me saying she is not happy... then after K, go pub drink somemore..
then i was freaking worried bout her.. she said she wanna go home but she car pool her friend's car. i called K to fetch her back to K's house.. indeed she overnite there.. i told her that i will come over rite after work. and i did.. i was too worried bout her.. after work, i straight away drove to K's house..she was sleeping..then she woke up, and chat with me a while, then she suddenly lay her head on my shoulder.i can feel that she is unhappy. then me, mich, K n T went to breakfast at old town tmn midah.. suddenly i said wanna buy headphones.. then mich gave me an idea, go T there exibition there buy lar.. since all IT things.. i was like thinking it on my mind but never mention it out.. so eventually we did and we hang out at UM there like for an hour.. then told T need to head home already, when we were heading out.. that was everything turns into ashes... i bumped face to face with her BF ... i called her to inform her that.. then she said she will settle everything. i went home... with my heart pounding very fast... would she get back to him? will she forgets about me after forgiving him? will she go back so so loving with her BF?

alot of thoughts..

and i cried.. in the end.. cos.. the fact i called her..
and she mention that she patched back with him... which that time ...my heart really broken again..
by her again...but i told her its nothing to do with her..

the fact is everything has to do with her...
every smile, every frown, every single feeling i had, it was all because of her...

today is her birthday....and she celebrate with her bf..which she actually need to...

i dun feel like celebrating for her...cos' it doesn't mean alot to her though.. i'm just a friend to her..

now i'm feeling very numb ..
it's like these few days... everything happens for a reason...

i'm really tired this time

i wish that she will happily get married with this guy...
cos i know whenever she comes to me...i will always soft heart towards her..

cos...
i'm very deeply in love with her... since last time till now...

there's nothing much i can do now..
i've done my part.. so it's your turn T

tear still flows for you

tears still flows for you...
never thought after what had happened..
it still flows for you...
but one thing i know that it is very hard for you...
and now i know what to do..
is to let go of you..
so that you could find your true happiness..
now i finally understands what is true love means...
you do not really need to be at that person's side always..
just remind yourself that you'll always by her side in your heart..
wish her all the best and the only thing u want to see from her is...
her warm smile looking at the person that she choose...
that's the only thing you can ever do once the thing has past.

move on.. and somehow you'll see the world in a much better way..
cherish people that always besides you...
i finally understand that...
when i see you cried in front of me,
my heart really felt the pain...
that i feel that i really should let you go..
cos i know that you're suffering ...
cos i'm still lingering in your life..
maybe it's time for me to find another life...
a brand new one maybe...
to start my own story all over again..
without you perhaps..
it might have a happy ending to both sides..
who knows..??
take the risk..
being a human all you need is taking risks,
and enjoy life..
live life to the fullest and bring happiness to everyone..

sweet,
i finally understand that ..sorry for everything...
i'll always be by your side whenever you need me..
cos' you can count on me..
not to worry that i will always catch you when you fall..
take my words..

trouble sleeping

sigh, i'm having problem with my stupid sleeping disorder...since last week, can't even sleep well..not even well. Few days straight, can't sleep at all! what the heck! And my dark circles is getting worst, headache, muscle pain, joint pain, every single spot of my body also pain. first i tried with coughing syrup, then flu pills, then i asked from a "friend" of mine how to get sleeping pills, which phamacy needs doctor's description then only can purchase. finally can get but not much..eventually i really can dozed off but the problem is like dead sleeping i don't know what is happening around me. then when i woke up it feels like HELL! which heavy headaches... OMG body is weak... sigh.... i tried not to have the sleeping pills again but then problem is cannot sleep at all and although my eyes are tired but i can't keep my eyes shut! HELP!!

Idiotic ADYWE...

Why i always hurt people's feelings without my knowing... i've not much left in me to give out... family... friends and dear ones...

i'm really sorry to let u guys down again... and again... i do not want this to happen again...

But what i'm trying to say is that i don't know what time and when i might take my own life.. it's juz something that i need to write down this thing ... but i hope whoever reads this please don't scold me.. i'm having the worst time ever... and it's not because of relationship... it's all because of love...love for who you may say?or


love for my friends,

the closest friends and my dear friends,

high school's friends, krys, su ann, stacy,poh yee,esther, kian...

krys,
you've been there for me since when we're in high school time..
it's has been wonderful 9 nine years knowing you.
i still can remember we were school enemies..
until we knew that we're placed inside one class, everything changes
we're tight since then,though we had arguement sometimes...but in a glance,
we're hugging each other already...
until you left school, you still keep in touch with me no matter what..
you never gave me up whenever all of them gave me up,
you brag and brag on me on whatever i do,
and sometimes, i might felt... "why she keep on nagging me?"
but in other hand, i know.. deep down you want the best for me..
i love you in every beat of my heart..i truly love you.. from the bottom of my heart.
remember one thing, if there's anything happen to me, please don't blame me okie?
remember everything i do, there's a reason..

su ann,

although we didn't keep in touch that often anymore,
but deep down you're still like a little sister to me,
i care for you,
i dearly love you,
no matter what you do,
i'll always be there for you.

stacy,

we're buddies,
i'll never forget the times we enjoyed being singles together,
i'll never forget the trips that we went together,
the time that we hang out at LOOK OUT POINT,
drinking and having time of our lifes!
i'm happy that you've found love..
hope you'll always be happy.

poh yee n esther,

poh yee, we're friends since we're 10 years old.. its been 14 years already
true friends no need to talk much..as long as we'll always be there for each other..

esther,

you're one of those keeping in touch once in a blue moon,
but it's okie.cos' i'll always remember you...
you're one of those friends that don't really mind of people business those type which i'm really glad to have you as a dear friend.
love you.

Kian @ See Toh

you....
you....
you....
i can't stay mad at you... to be frank, i can't be angry for you,
hope that you know that true friends wont mad at each other..
that's all i have to say to you.
love you.

my friends out there,

there's too many... but i'll mention oni those that close to me..

sting@ai ren- wo ai ni.. you're the bestest friend that i could ever wish for... pls take care of yourself..

elcey- you're in very much alike me in some ways... but i still treat u as my closest bud..

denise- den den, pls dun angry at me at all if i've done something wrong to you..pls forgive me if i'd done wrong okie?? you know that i can't bare to make you misunderstand me or me misunderstand u... there's only few words i can tell u.. that is i want you to know is .. you're always my brother

kham kham- i know you so long dy lar... you're a dear friend to me as well.. the funny things you've done that makes me smile... the things you've done to make my r/s better with thian.. appreciated it alot...

michelle- you're one of those also friends since we're in college....love you always

dylan@leo- sister/brother.... love u always

nana & agnes- both of you are so lovely and you're always people that i look up to

and the rest that i didn't mention, you all have printed your footprints in my heart always and forever....

families,

Pa, Ma, Lester, Leslie, Amanda & my little Anna Jane...

i'm sorry to all of you to make you all worried about me. i've nothing much i can do more but i hope for what i'm not doesn't change a single thing for being your daughter, an younger sister and also an elder sister ..i'm sorry cause i've not done what i've should done....my responsibility...

to my dearest one,

you know who you are,

you came into my life when i was in the darkest place on earth,

you come light up my life with your tender smile,

you held me up and give me courage to love again..

i thank you for giving me the chance to love you,

i thank you that staying beside me..

although you've walked out of my life...

but remember,

i'll always be two steps back behind you,

always ready to catch you whenever you fall..

no matter what,

deep down you're always the queen of my heart,

i wish you well..



to susan,

my lovely zen zen,

you're so much different from others,

you're such angel that sent from above

that came into my life...

you're daring to stand in front of me to protect me

no matter how sad or how hard you take it as easy as it seems.

i thank you sincerely from the hearts


thank you everyone..

more pics from the past... and there's a pic of you krystle!!!

kyrstle n ben...rain party
jess,sting n nick..rain party

foam party,jess,sting,nick, faye

*far left , AL,Krystle,Bie,Clement & Stacy..

workin night shift...

here some ciggies buds which is MUCH lesser than day shift..
here is the place which i hang most of my break times...ALONE..

see, no human being walking around..so quiet...

EDS...an HP company... where i'm currently working now...

frankly speaking, i prefer night shift more than day shift.. i don't know why.. maybe it's because it's more comfortable for me not wearing formal wear and people at night is more at ease than day which all the people is very formalized...

so what do you think then???

and yet

lately i eventually called up her..time to time...

"are you free?"

"no"

"oh okay,never mind then"

*hangs up..

Phone rangs "hello?"

"you're looking for me?"

"yeah, but nothing la..just called up for ask you how are you.."

"oh that's it? nothing more?"

"nothing much"

harsh voice,"oh! like that only is it? alright then, i need to head home already..if there's nothing to talk anymore."

...pulse..."wait!! er.... well just ask whether you're free or not?"

"tonite i'm free." i can feel that she sounds happy...

"oh, today i should be free... and tomorrow also might be free.. but you're not free tomorrow as you're working rite?"in a relieved and sounds abit happy tone...

"er.. actually tonight and tomorrow also i won't be free..cause i'm working late shift"

"then never mind.. see how then.. i'll let you know tomorrow, i need to head home already..."

"oh okay then, never mind lar.. drive safe!"

...hangs up...

later on....i called her again... don't ask me why, i just felt that wanting to call her...

....but no one picks up....

i sent an sms which reads like this,

"you busy? i called you but you never picked up." sent on 10.53 pm

she replied after a while...which reads....

"sorry doing some housework, now wanna sleep lo...good nite" received on 10.55 pm

what a way to reply me... somehow.. deep down i know i care for her alot, and she know's that too.. i've done her a favour but not asking her anything in return but just to hang out with me sometimes..which i hope that our r/s could last in a more nicer way... but...

in return this is what i get...."tired, sleepy,busy"...etc etc... with alot of excuses...

i'm starting to get boring with you already...to be frank...

OMG!!! This picture was taken at EL GEE in cheras, which my first ehem kiss with a guy i gave it to him! Oh my GOsh!!!!... ahahhahaa.. but i dun mind though.. cos he's gay plus... he's my friend...5 years back! ahakZ! see.. we both are "enjoying it" *vomits!* and FYI, he did vomits after french kissing me... and so do i! yuck! i've done this for the sake of my parents man... that's the most i can do with a man.. no more..the limit is reaches only on kissing a guy!

finally!!!!!!

finally!!! my salary is out!! yay! i'm so happy for it.!! i can finally pay off my debts.! hahahhahahahaa!!! but in the other hand, i need to finish all like half of it sigh... to think bout it.. its kinda sad though.. but never mind lar..

what you've loan you have to return lor.. that's the main thing for being pennyless at that time.. sighh! tiring..! on sat im on live.. a bit scary though.. how am i suppose to be prepared?? i'm really afraid.. i hope things goes well !

random

this picture was taken when we first met. Location was in PD.. haha... well the first thing that come across my mind was,"shit... am i really going to meet up a friend which i never met before in PD?"

Eventually things went well lar... haha... well now is like 12.57 am .. working ..tiring.. and plus krystle teoh din look at my blog also...sakit hati oh...

speaking of sakit hati the most is... my salary.... i'm drying out though...i really wish that somehow by end of my working day my salary is out.. i've been owing alot of ppl which i dun want to owe anymore... so let cross fingers and pray that my salary is out! i want to get myself something nice.. haha!!

here's a few photos from the past

Here's some of the pictures from the past....

Look how skinny i am.. lol!

The more i concern, the more you unconcern..

the more i care for you,

the more you neglect me,

the more i miss you,

the more you don't miss me,

that's why the more i concern about you,

the more you don't need my concern,

now i leave you alone,

you need my attention,

tell me what you want me to do,

when i can only leave you,

and let you find your own way to,

bring yourself to happiness.

don't count on me,

as i'm not qualified,

you said that,

and now i'm feeling much more confidence,

without you i hope that,

i can gain back what i've lost,

i can bring more joy without you,

trust me,

it's your lost for giving me up,

as you don't know what i'm capable of.

the more i concern,

the more you unconcern,

think about it.

you're going away...with him to another land...

I was shocked....you told me that you'll head to overseas with him. I never thought this would come out from your mouth. I couldn't believe it.. you told me that you're going with him, finally...the very last thing i would least expected happens.

All of sudden i feel that, my whole world crumble downs to myself,i felt the cold wind blowing through my heart.. again i felt this feeling. And i hate it so much, but that's the fact..

I really have nothing to say juz to wish u all the best in your future undertakings. And i hope that he will treat you like a queen as i did.. i will always love you though... even i can't say it anymore, but you will always know that i will love you as long as it takes...

why this need to be happen on me???

Shit!! why is this happening to me!!!.. Salary haven't out yet.. AGAIN...!! Which i have to wait for TWO MORE FUCKING weeks!! shit.. how am i suppose to last my days la?!Freaking 14 dayS!!! arggghhh!!! I'm going to burst!!!

My feelings

First time meet you,

My heart pounds fast,

I had butterflies in my tummy,

My palms starting to sweat,

As you walking nearer towards me,

Your smile melts my heart away,

When u approached me,

I feel something beautiful,

I think you're sweet,

I think you're cute,

Each time our eyes met,

I can't take my eyes away from you,

Your scent of your hair,

Gave me a faint right through the brain,

Your soft and tender skin,

Is as soft as silk,

Your lips is kissable,

And cause me wanting to,

Grab you and give you,

a Passionate long kiss,

till you can't breath.

You said,

Your leg aren't as pretty,

As the rest,

But in my eyes,

Everything about you,

Gives me the the perfect girl,

The woman I'm searching for,

The ideal partner i want,

The one i would call my wife,

The companion i want to spend,

The rest of my life with,

I will walk with you,

When you're hurt,

I'll be your wound,

I'll heal so that you won't feel the pain,

When you cry,

I'll be the tissue,

To wipe away all your tears,

When you're angry,

I'll be the clown,

That cheers you up,

Without any hesitation.

But,

When you start to distance me,

I try my best to come closer to you,

When you start to ignore me,

I try my best to entertain you,

When u start to ask me to walk away from you,

I try my best to think,

What i did wrong?

You starting to walk,

Away from me,

Bits by bits,

I was puzzle,

Tried to give you a bear hug,

So that you won't walk away,

But you shooked off my arms,

And gave me the look,

I can't describe the feeling,

But it hurts alot,

You turn your back towards me,

I felt the whole world,

crumbling down,

Slowly my body breaks down,

In the distance,

I saw another shadow,

It's another companion,

In your life,

You found another,

Better and more compatible,

You said to me,

I tried to hide my feelings,

And gave you smile,

Behind my smile,

There's tears,

Deep inside i can hear,

My heart cracking,

And broken,

Into million pieces,

Just like a broken mirror,

Yet,

I still wish you the best,

I want to make you smile,

Even,

I'm not the one for you,

You said,

But the devoted Love,

From me to you,

Remains only for you,

Now,

I wake up everyday,

I can't feel you,

Everything is a Routine,

Work and Home,

In my room,

I had flash memories of us,

Ever since you left,

I keep myself,

Away from everyone,

Clubbing, pubs and girls,

I locked myself in the room,

Just to think of you,

Realized that I can't,

Trying so hard,

The memories of US,

Is getting lesser and lesser,

My brain is deleting,

Every single thing about us,

Eventually,

Deep down inside my heart,

I still miss you,

Wanting you to be back,

by my side,

I'm waiting for my darling,

My sweetheart,

My wife,

My partner,
My companion,

Just to be back,

And save me from the dark,

That i've been keeping myself in

I will not go away,

I'm still standing here,

To wait for you.

Sweetie,

Please come back.

Waiting

Wanting,

lusting,

to be held,

to be loved,

to feel warmth,

to feel your beating heart.

Wanting to be sheltered from the cold,

heartless winds.

Falling into invisible arms;

into an abyss of love.

Wishing,hoping,

that my desires will be filled;

my desires of loving warmth.

Wanting to be held,

comforted,loved.

Dreaming of passionate embraces,

of tender kisses,

loving words,

romantic nights.

Waiting for undying love

after 1 month and 23 days..finally we met

On the 9th of June 2009, i was drinking with my ex colleague at puchong jaya. suddenly my phone msg rang. i took out my phone and found out that it was you that smsed me! i was suprise because the sms mentioning you asking me free or not as u got tickets to watch preview tomorrow which is 10th of June 2009. at one point i was happy and feeling so great cos' u did eventually ask me to watch..but you didn't mention that you want to watch with me or not. then i've asked u, to watch with me since there's 4 tickets available.. i never thought you will think of me first instead of the others. while you've asked me and i confirm you then and there, you called S n E to go but unfortunately they cannot join us then you called K to go, but u didn't mention asking D to go.. i was suprised... then eventually K n D decided to go. On that very day, i was wearing pink but actually i wanted to wear white, which you thought i would wear white, but we wore the same color of t shirts. coincidently! me myself also suprised that we bump into wearing the same color. when you entered my car, i was a bit scared but i'm really glad to see you and the feeling is hard to explain.. i feel like hugging you close to me juz to express how much i misses you.. but i didn't. i don't want you to feel that i'm taking advantage of you so i juz keep it to myself.then you said u wanna take things and asked me to wait a while. suprisingly, you gave me back the keychain which u bought for me at melacca.. i can't believe it! you still remember.. ...

I am someone, I walked past a dead face even though the person was alive I saw my eyes in the mirrorand cried at the sight. I looked at a person I didn¹t know, and I met a friend. I got heads to turn, when I walked past. I learned a lot about myself, when I lost a new friend. I cried every tear in my body, when I thought about love. I got hit bad, then got back in the ring. I climbed a mountain of rocks and saw an eagle fly over- head. I heard terrible things about myself when no one thought I was listeningI realized I was strong. when I didn¹t cry when it hurt. I found out who I was, when I was with someone else. I thought I was lost forever, when a friend found me. I held a life in my hand and it was my own. I was a pawn in someone else's game, so I surrendered to a brook. I walked the fine line between surviving and not wanting to survive. I still am I am someone.

A Rose

A lovely rose with petals softA scent so sweet and lightSo beautiful a flowerWith colors shining bright.But something not so savoryAbout the fragrant rose -The thorns, so sharp upon the stem,That sharpen as it grows.Yet still lovely is the flowerDespite the thorns that prickJust as life and love are sweetThey too have thorns that stick.But do not fear to live or love,Life's not exempt from pain -So pick a rose, you may get hurt,But you will also gain!

Love in many different languages

Love, love is in many different languages like Amor, Amour, Love, and other many languages that have ever been created. Wait, some questions has drawn to my attention, what does “love” really mean? No matter what language it is in. Like one, what does “love” really mean? Two, does it all mean the same no matter what language it is spoken? Three, how can “love” hurt you? Four, is “love” just a set of words that does not mean anything? Five, is “love” real, can “love” really hurt you? Well no one really knows. Some people say it for the moment, some just say it to get what they want, some really mean it but get bit in the rear end for really actually saying it, and finally there is some that is to afraid to say it when they really “love” someone. Therefore, what does “love” actually mean, no matter in what language it is spoken?

yawns

i feel sleepy out of sudden.. this morning chatted with her.. and she told me that her ex owes the bank loan for her car installment for 3 months. At one point i felt very sorry for her, but in other hand i've warn her bout this matter, but cannot believe that she still believes in her so i felt helpless now cos' i can't help much under financial form but i seriously wanted to give her a hand. today i woke up i thought of one thing which is i'm heading to my friend's place to cut my hair. then i thought i'll be using the federal highway so i thought myself "will we bump into each other while driving?" hahaha. how silly i am u know?

anyways, juz for fun though. even if we bumped into each other today, i don't know what reaction that i should give her though. then this morning my boss jabber me and ask me where i am, i told her that im in level 2, then she ask me wanna go for a walk? then i said ok. we went downstairs for a smoke. then krystle joins us but she call me first to ask permission from boss.. hahaha.. then my boss told her come down la... lol then ran down and join our smoking session. then boss asked me to go to our BPO level there and take things from big boss SEC, named anna,when i asked her that boss ask me come over to her place to take things, she gave me a smirk which i felt kinda weird, then went back to her place and gave her the things she asked for. then she asked me, "so did anna gave u any respond?" i told her she oni give me one kind of look. that's it. she told me that actually she told anna that she's sending her twin to take her stuffs. i was like OMG.. then she told me that is what the whole G level is talking about. it's like i'm the bulletin of the month or the year. cos her post in EDS is quite big.. so for someone new like me and came in and slightly look like her.. it's was kinda fun though.. hahaha... hope our r/s will get better as day passes by la.

It been three weeks

Well, here i am again to conteng my blog. Okay it has been like almost three weeks now since i've started this job. So at the moment i know things and the enviroment of this company is quite comfy and my post actually is not that hard as i thought and frankly speaking it's kinda free time job as i'm only working for a backup for all 9 account.. Phew..! thank god for that. And actually i can make alot of friends here..

Which is a good thing though, what to do? Oh by the way, first month working salary will be out by next week! woohoo!! i'm happy, cause i can pay off my debts from bank, friends and family..glad bout that.. and one more thing is to thank someone special la. if no her means no me dy in EDS. thank you Krystle Teoh.

haha,..... p.s : if there is any ketidakpuashatian, pls leave a comment ok slut!?

I Do Not Understand Human Beings

This happened on last friday, which i will make it simple and nice..This incident happen when T wants to pass me dumpling but at the same time S got into a serious accident which I'm freaking out because I do not know how serious is she. Then T asked me on that very same day to meet her up to eat dinner and pass me the dumplings and I told her that I can't meet her that day because I need to rush to see S. I'm worry bout her safety. T then got all furious upon I go to see S first instead of her. It sounds so ridiculous and she sounded that she's a bit jealous. But what is she to jealous for? I do not understand at all. Why on earth she wants to do so? And plus she knows alot of things about me n S which suprised me and until now I don't even know who is the one that is keep on betraying me and such. Which i'm really kinda pissed off when I ask only three of them that knows about S the most. I really hope the person is ST. Because she knows the most among the three. Yesterday i indirectly confront the first one and she seems like although she got mention things bout me to T but not that much. So now left two. The 3rd one don't know much bout me and S and now only narrowed one last which is ST. I seriously hope that she's not the one that betrays me. Cause I hate betrayal among friends and even partners.

So whoever u might be, stop giving my information to T. It's getting on my nerves. Period.

why do people tend to hide their feelings

why do humans need to hide their feelings? It sounds very weird to me sometimes but not entirely cos' me, myself also do that time to time. But seriously i really don't understands sometimes, for example, you had that strong feelings towards that particular person but instead of telling him/her, you tend to hide the feelings towards them. If u care for that someone or you still cannot let go of them, you tend to lie to yourself plus juz to keep quiet and keep all the feelings to yourself. Why people do that? Is it because they're afraid of rejection or denial?

This matter happens to me and i really felt that it's so unfair while you simply judge a person by listening by other and u had some comment to put on but you can't say it out loud. No matter how hard that person wants to explain that they're not like that, they won't listen and they don't really care bout' what you want to say. Moreover, both parties knows bout the problem and it's like very hard to say it out sometimes, but either one of them does, the other sure deny that they had the same feelings.

By the time the first person loses the interests on him/her, only that time they'll try to express their feelings. It's a hard situation for the first person to decide whether to move on or continue standing there.

start up new life

Here i am finally blogging since i've started to work in a major company in cyberjaya where they block every access for facebook, friendster, etc etc... So, besides blogging i think there's nothing much to do lar. As my friend said, working here is not bad.. (as the salary is good.. plus is near to my house..20 minutes highway without traffic which is a good thing), still got alot of things to learn ahead which i think it's a never ending work for being to stop learning each day. For the past month been very difficult to me as i've ended a real nice relationship with a sweet girl. Sadly our road and destiny ends there.. and there's no more turning point back. Eventually i hope that she found someone better than i am and treat her as a queen, she deserved nothing but the best..

Ok, a new chapter begins on 9th May 2009. First time meeting her in person which makes me feels very uneasy at first cos' she's way too friendly than i thought.. but the fact is something happen before i met her.. so okay i excuse her for being so friendly to me.. ahakzz!! To more i get to know her the more i felt that she's nice in a way which i cannot explain.. But the fact is, i like her.. but not up to the stage where i want to jump into a relationship with her yet..i don't want her to feel that i take her as a replacement and me myself also don't know whether i'm taking her as a replacement for "her". So i rather take my time to get to know her longer and better. But yesterday comes another drama of the week, we went out for dinner and also then drinks with her cousin. Then when on the way home, she gave me a goodbye kiss on the lips (which i think it's very normal for Us ppl to do so, it's not a french) suddenly out came a guy from no where hit my car bonet and opened up my door and ask me to come out from the car. The problem is i had no idea who is that person and he knows her. At first her cousin told me that the guy was her brother, but in the end she said was her ex! Which suprised me alot! Why she didn't tell me in the first place.. where i can understand the situation and i really would like to help her.. Yesterday night, because of this problem i didn't get my sleep at all. Then i need to wake up at 6 in the morning, that time was 3 something. Oh my god, my face look like zombie.. and plus ... next time need to face the pc for 12 hours will kill me you know?

I think it's enough for me to talk craps now..