Sunday, November 1, 2009

trip which i never thought that could hurt me inside out

Oct 24th to 26th..

i spent my first and last vacation with her for the one last time. And i never thought that the trip and our relationship will perrished like that. I do not know what exactly you were thinking previously before you met Simon, you came back into my life after you broke up with Patrick. And things starts up from there. We hang out, we went for movies, dinners, stayed over night at each other place. Everything seems to be just like last time.

After that, one wednesday you said want to come over my house to have home dinner with me, you asked me to buy things and go home and cook for you. I was happy cos' it feels like our relationship there's hope. I cooked for you, and we ate dinner together. It feels like couple sweetheart.. serious. You even helped me folded my clothes which i dump into a bag for like three months. A normal friend would not do these kinda activities with someone unless he/she is your partner..correct me if i'm wrong.

Worst part, is ... we even...i'm not those that can have One Night Stand and leave the scene directly. Don't tell me you are. That particular night you over night at my home, i've asked you a question. " do you still love me?"you answered me "yes" and also u answered me with a "but". i know what is your "but" about. it is because i'm not a MALE and i cannot bring any future.. and you cannot live a life of a lesbian. simple as that right? It puzzles me, you love someone and that person loves you back, it really doesn't matter same gender or the other way round. You love that person as in that person himself/herself. Isn't love conquers all? Sorry i don't know how to put my feelings into words. I feel lost at one moment when you said that you love me but there's a barrier there that makes u unable to love me continously and even be with me.

Then just so i thought that our relationship can have a second chance, you got to know SIMON a.k.a LUCAS whatver his name is. He is your sister's friend. How he get to know you is, we all went for movie together as we got free tickets and that is how he got to know you. From there, he started dating you out, and you agreed. What is the meaning of this? Can you please tell me. Even you go out with him, in the same time you still treat me the same,until SIMON told you that he is interested on you, you started to neglect me. Why? I'm not a part timer, I'm not also paid to be with you when you're lonely or sad. I'm there with you all the time it's because i love you and i want to be the person beside you that can take care of you, to love you. You're the only one person that i really hardly forget. You even asked me to plan for a holiday. And i did, and i did told you that i will cover for you cause you said you wish to go trip with me. And i did ask u who wants to follow instead? You're the one that said you only wants us both to go to the trip. Again, you got me puzzle again for a moment there. I did not think much as i know, i wish after the trip i will give you the ring that i've bought so long time ago before we broke up. The couple ring actually is for our first anniversary, but before we can even reach our anniversary, you mention that you want to break up with me. I kept the ring for so long, when you were with Patrick, I never thought that i will give it to you, but when you broke up with Patrick, you sorta came back to my life. And i thought maybe there's chance, and i saw the chance when you said that you want to go to trip with me alone..But.... the fact is... you've already dating with Simon and you did not even have the nerve to tell it to me.There i am, still bringing such high hope to get back with you, all along the trip you were sms-ing Simon. He called like ten times or even more in half day. SMS never stop. Remember the night before we go to the trip? I sms you asking whether you still on for the trip or not? And you said yes. I called you later on and ask clearly the question "do you want to go to langkawi? or do you want to go to langkawi with me?

You said you want to go to langkawi WITH me. I took your answer. And i took all my negative thoughts away as i really wish to have a beautiful trip with u. And i thought to myself, after this trip i will ask you to get back with me and hand you the ring. Speaking of the ring, you did ask me where is the ring that i bought for you.. few times already.. each and every time i answered you that the time is not here yet. when i finally found the perfect time, everything was banished and i'm at square one AGAIN.

On the very first night in langkawi, we argued cause of what? Simon calls you even late night already. I really pissed off totally. I did ask you again who am i to you? you know how to cry only. and i need to give the answer for you which i'm just the person that causes you unable to go front nor head back. When i heard this, i felt like you're lying.You like Simon already, and that was really fast. Few times outing together and you like him already. Seriously i really dunno what m i going to do anymore, Patrick divorced his wife just to be with you, and that day you told me that you don't know what to do when you heard him saying like that. And AGAIN, you cried cause he said something very touching and causes you cry. Why you can cry easily? Why your emotions are so easily touched? Every word i say to you was really deep down my heart, each word comes out from my mouth to you never been faken before. I never lie to you. All i do is for you.

Now you're happily with... Simon? Patrick? others? I really don't know. I can never read you anymore. You've changed alot baby, you're no longer the gal that i once knew before, or maybe you never let me have the chance to know the "real" you as what you are now.


No doubt bout how i feel for you. You're always the queen of my heart, my baby, my girl, my partner, my love of my life. No doubt that whenever you need me i will be there for you. This is a promise from a person like me give to you. I will never interfere any of your love life. I will only be the shadow that will always follows you and give you all my support and love that you need.


  1. i can feel u. sorry to know what have happened to u. be tough and all the best.